Miss Independent

So here I am, sitting at Starbucks, typing away on my laptop.  I feel so young, so free, so full of that old college energy and coolness.  Oops.  I guess I just gave myself away that I am not really a young undergrad, but actually a thirty-something. homeschooling, stay-at-home mom when I use such dated words as "coolness."  No matter.  I won't let that dampen my spirits.

I have two small windows of time in my busy week when the kids are all in school, and I have some space all to myself.  Normally, I spend this time working out, then running various home/kid related errands.  You know, picking up the dry cleaning, making that redundant trip to Target, or roaming the aisles of Costco.  I never minded those errands, but today, after I dropped the kids off, I realized I didn't need to do any of those things.  My legs are so tired from the 10,000 lunges I did yesterday (thank you, Robert!) that I need a day of rest before I see my trainer again tomorrow.  I only had a few items to pick up at Target, and needed nothing at Costco!  Whaaaaaaatttt?!  Crazy.

So even though I'd already had my coffee (with Robert approved creamer, which yes, does exist), I walked right into Starbucks, ordered a skinny vanilla latte, and am now enjoying a kick back morning just people watching and internet surfing.  Who knew the little things could be so unbelievably pleasant?  What its this incredibly satisfying feeling?  Oh yeah, it's that sweet feeling of doing something solo, something that I want to do when I want to do it.  That feeling I used to have all the time before I had kids, that feeling that no one is depending on me right now.  That feeling no one tells you about before you have kids.  It's kind of like the other day when I was bending my body into insane positions in Yogalates (Yoga+Pilates) class, and the instructor said, "Now, just relax your muscles.  This is your time, it is all for you," and I started crying.  Time for myself?  What a concept.

Now even as I am typing this, I feel a pang of guilt.  Mom guilt, which is yet another thing no one tells you about before kids.  I spend almost every second of the day with my kids, teaching, feeding, cleaning up after them, but it's still amazing how guilty I feel when I walk out the door for a girls' night or even a date night.  I don't know exactly where that comes from, but the mom guilt feeling still happens to this very day.  I know it's o.k., even necessary for moms to have time off from the kids and home life, but I can still feel the hairs prickling on my neck slightly from the idea that I don't love my kids enough to be with them all the time.

I guess I think about it in this way.  Even Jesus, when He was here on earth, needed a break from the twelve disciples, who were, in many ways, like His children.  They were immature and needy, and were ever present.  Maybe Jesus had to get away from them from time to time to pray and meditate, and decompress, talk to His Father, and receive guidance.  Without a Starbucks to serve delicious coffee and provide free Wi-Fi, perhaps Jesus just appreciated sitting quietly under a tree, praying, being still, enjoying the silence.  I doubt if He felt any guilt over that.  He needed that time to draw close to His Father.  Just as I do.  I think it's time to close this laptop and spend some quiet time with God.  And that's nothing to feel guilty about.