But I haven't been able to type out the words. So everyday when I knew I should be blogging/confessing, I found myself too busy to sit down. The truth is, I was just embarrassed and ashamed about falling off of my sugar detox plan. And boy did I fall down. Hard.
After six weeks of near perfection on this sugar detox, I got to the point last week, in Week 6, when I could start adding back some sugars. Just to see how my body would react. Just to see what would make my sugar cravings spike again so I would know to avoid those foods. Well, just the opposite happened.
I guess it started with busyness. Therefore, I didn't have time to go to the store or plan out meals. I was living on whatever we had in the house or, in a pinch, grabbing something at a restaurant or drive through. The kids and I grabbed fast food last week twice, which is not like us. At Jack 'n the Box I had a Chicken Fajita Pita and a Diet Coke, so really with the bread on the pita and the fake sugars in the diet soda, I was cheating twice. The Diet Coke tasted awful by the way, and I haven't had a soda since. After the pita, I grabbed a couple of the kids' fries, and I realized that I had officially consumed a super lame fast food meal. My stomach hurt after, but my cravings for salt and carbs was going through the roof!
I think another reason I fell off the plan was that I exercised last week, a lot. I exercised five days last week. Twice I just ran on the elliptical machine, and three times I did a cross-training style workout. One of those cross-training workouts was with Autumn and it was awesome. Now you may be asking, what does working out for five days have to do with sabotaging your sugar detox? And believe me, I've spent some time analyzing it too. But here's the truth, I love exercising. And I really like working out with weights. Going for a walk is nice, but it doesn't feel like I've done enough to change my body. Walking is boring too, unless it's somewhere super beautiful or busy, with lots to look at. Anyway, exercising for the five days last week made me so hungry. After a workout, I would come in and drink some cold water, but would search around for a snack. And a cheese stick or a piece of jerky just didn't satisfy. I wanted a piece of fruit, or bread, or a protein shake, something more filling. And so I did. That extra little mini-meal really added up.
Then at night after a workout, I would be ravenous. Once the kids had gone to bed, I found myself back in my old evening hang-out spot: the snack cupboard. We have a snack cabinet AND a snack drawer. The cabinet holds the popcorn, peanut butter, cookies, Wheat Thins, Cheese-Its, pretzels, etc. The snack drawer holds the granola bars, fruit snacks, and any actual candy the kids have gotten from birthday parties. And the thing is, I'd been able to totally avoid the snack corner since detoxing! It was really tough to break the habit to migrate there during the evening hours, especially during the first two weeks, but I totally broke the habit. At night, I've been making hot tea, or just drinking some cold water, and that's it! But the exercise, which obviously burned more calories, made me crave more calories and I easily fell back into my old bad habits. Now this is not to say that I HAD to make unhealthy choices in snacks at night. I could just as easily munched on bell peppers and hummus instead of caramel popcorn, but I made that bad choice last week.
Finally, chips. Yep, chips. I went up to San Diego this last weekend, and we were invited to lunch with my parents at their condo. My mom asked me to pick up some chips to go with the deli tray she had ordered. Ok. Now during the first six weeks of the detox, I would be very wise about this type of request. I would buy a bag of chips in a flavor that I detest. Therefore, when I went to lunch, I wouldn't be tempted by the nasty chips. But this time, since I was allowed to eat some sugars and carbs, I decided on two of my favorite flavors: Sour Cream Wavy Lays and Honey BBQ Wavy Lays. They are soooooo good. My kryptonite, really. Here's how it went. I ate a delicious lunch of shaved turkey, roast beef, and fresh cheese slices with slices of tomato and red onion with a squirt of mustard. Totally acceptable and sugar free. Then I decided to have a couple chips, I mean, a couple should be fine, right?! Wrong.
This is literally what happened. While standing beside the chips bags, hand in the bag of Sour Cream Wavy Lays, and crunching away, my mom actually said, "April, what's wrong? Is everything ok?" Apparently, it's a big red flag for mothers when their supposedly sugar detoxing daughter is eating a bag of chips like it's the last meal on earth. By the way, I love my mom for saying that. Because there was something wrong. I knew at that point that I had majorly messed up all week long in little ways, that had led to this big problem, and now I was punishing myself with eating. My attitude was, "I've already totally messed this up, so why not just ruin the whole day? At least I can enjoy these chips."
That was the very first time in my life when I saw so incredibly clearly the correlation between my emotional state and food. Never before had I seen myself as having an emotional relationship with food. I had convinced myself that I ate sweet food or salty food because it tasted good, period. But no, that whole philosophy was shattered as I realized I was super down emotionally, and that's why I reached for chips. I felt so disappointed that all week had been an exercise in cheating. The carbs and sugars made me feel bad, bloated, and uncomfortable. And I hated that feeling. That feeling of being out of control, and allowing a very average flavor of salty chips to completely derail me from my goal.
I wish I could say I had a moment of clarity right there with my mom and I threw the bag of chips away and never took a second look. But I didn't. We took the remaining chips home, and I munched on the way home. And when we finally arrived home from San Diego, I actually had to ask my husband to throw them away for me. Ridiculous! And weak! I know. But it doesn't matter, because it worked. Something about those chips made me a little crazy.
Bottom line, I know from this last week's experiment in attempting to slowly add in sugars that first, I am not ready to add in sugars. Second, I am just as addicted to salty, crunchy things as sugars, and they are a trigger for other bad eating choices. Third, fast food is almost always a bad choice. In a pinch, order something bun less, or a salad without dressing. But here's a better idea…don't be in a pinch! Pack snacks and lunch! The fact the we get hungry around the same times everyday shouldn't be a huge surprise to us, that's how we were designed!
Here comes what I didn't want to share last week when I was supposed to blog my weigh-in numbers. I gained 2.0 pounds last week, bringing my total weight loss down from 11.4 to 9.4 pounds. When I stepped on the scale, I was so angry and disappointed in myself. But here's the cool thing. I quickly got over it. I stepped off the scale and asked God to help me. Something I hadn't done the last week when I was going crazy, at all. And He did. As He always does. He calmed my spirit, took away my guilt. He loved me. Pure and simple. And I started fresh the very next day.
Today I am wrapping up Week 7 of the detox. I feel fantastic, and am completely back on track. The important idea I've learned from my failures the week before is how quickly I can rebound with God's loving help. No task is too small for Him, no cry for help too frivolous. His love is so deep and wide and awesome. This coming Sunday marks the beginning of Week 8, my final week on this journey! I'm so excited! Here's a beautiful inspiring verse that I plan on memorizing this week, to hold in my arsenal against bad food choices. Especially chips.
“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
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