Miss Independent

So here I am, sitting at Starbucks, typing away on my laptop.  I feel so young, so free, so full of that old college energy and coolness.  Oops.  I guess I just gave myself away that I am not really a young undergrad, but actually a thirty-something. homeschooling, stay-at-home mom when I use such dated words as "coolness."  No matter.  I won't let that dampen my spirits.

I have two small windows of time in my busy week when the kids are all in school, and I have some space all to myself.  Normally, I spend this time working out, then running various home/kid related errands.  You know, picking up the dry cleaning, making that redundant trip to Target, or roaming the aisles of Costco.  I never minded those errands, but today, after I dropped the kids off, I realized I didn't need to do any of those things.  My legs are so tired from the 10,000 lunges I did yesterday (thank you, Robert!) that I need a day of rest before I see my trainer again tomorrow.  I only had a few items to pick up at Target, and needed nothing at Costco!  Whaaaaaaatttt?!  Crazy.

So even though I'd already had my coffee (with Robert approved creamer, which yes, does exist), I walked right into Starbucks, ordered a skinny vanilla latte, and am now enjoying a kick back morning just people watching and internet surfing.  Who knew the little things could be so unbelievably pleasant?  What its this incredibly satisfying feeling?  Oh yeah, it's that sweet feeling of doing something solo, something that I want to do when I want to do it.  That feeling I used to have all the time before I had kids, that feeling that no one is depending on me right now.  That feeling no one tells you about before you have kids.  It's kind of like the other day when I was bending my body into insane positions in Yogalates (Yoga+Pilates) class, and the instructor said, "Now, just relax your muscles.  This is your time, it is all for you," and I started crying.  Time for myself?  What a concept.

Now even as I am typing this, I feel a pang of guilt.  Mom guilt, which is yet another thing no one tells you about before kids.  I spend almost every second of the day with my kids, teaching, feeding, cleaning up after them, but it's still amazing how guilty I feel when I walk out the door for a girls' night or even a date night.  I don't know exactly where that comes from, but the mom guilt feeling still happens to this very day.  I know it's o.k., even necessary for moms to have time off from the kids and home life, but I can still feel the hairs prickling on my neck slightly from the idea that I don't love my kids enough to be with them all the time.

I guess I think about it in this way.  Even Jesus, when He was here on earth, needed a break from the twelve disciples, who were, in many ways, like His children.  They were immature and needy, and were ever present.  Maybe Jesus had to get away from them from time to time to pray and meditate, and decompress, talk to His Father, and receive guidance.  Without a Starbucks to serve delicious coffee and provide free Wi-Fi, perhaps Jesus just appreciated sitting quietly under a tree, praying, being still, enjoying the silence.  I doubt if He felt any guilt over that.  He needed that time to draw close to His Father.  Just as I do.  I think it's time to close this laptop and spend some quiet time with God.  And that's nothing to feel guilty about.

Welcome to the World, 2012!

Wow!  Another new year has come!  The Walker family would like to officially welcome 2012, and we look forward to experiencing life with you this year!!  

I am truly excited about 2012.  I have a feeling of hope and promise in my heart.  Now, I am not really a big New Year's resolution person.  I don't really believe that there is any magic in the January 1st date.  I believe that I have the opportunity every single day to get up and make a decision to live differently if I so choose.  That, to me, is one of the may invaluable jewels of being a Christian.  I make a choice daily to follow what I feel Jesus is leading me to do, to say, to think, and feel.  I can sincerely ask for forgiveness and repent, turn from my ways, and lead a new life, in the very next moment if need be.  Now all that being said, I am going to make a goal of getting right back on my healthy eating plan.  Five pounds of holiday weight gain later, and I feel the need to avoid sugar at all costs!  Maybe that cinnamon roll stand isn't such a great idea....for my thighs, anyway!  

I sure have missed you, little blog, but I had to take a little break during Christmas due to our busy schedule.  It seems like for two weeks straight, we were busy every evening with the kids' and adult fun holiday activities.  We soaked up every minute of the Christmas season.  We are that crazy family that sings Christmas carols in the car.  Yep.  That's us.  Just like the Griswold's in Christmas Vacation.  And yes, it usually ends up that Danny and I are loudly singing in the front seats, while the kids look out the windows in the backseats, anxious to make our destination.  We are the family cruising the block slowly, seeking the most outlandishly decorated houses.  We drove down Sunset, our local famous Christmas crazy decorated block, probably 10 times.  I am the mom who dressed her three daughters in the same matching Christmas dress for each and every Christmas party.  And of course, my house has been continually filled with Christmas music, from sun-up to lights out since November 26th.  The house has been fully decorated since the day after Thanksgiving, and I have loved every minute of it.  

I have always tried to have everything pertaining to Christmas down and out of the house on or before January 1st.  I feel that the new year deserves it's own time, apart from all things December.  All of the decorations have been down and the Christmas music put away for a few days now. My house just seems a little dreary, as do I, I must admit.  I seriously considered whether it would it be odd to have evergreen garland permanently draped over my "mantle" (it's not really a mantle, more like a hole in the wall, but who's keeping track?), but decided against it.  The space where the tree sat is now completely bare, just a lonesome corner.  I miss the Christmas music, so have turned on my favorite playlist a couple of times, but it doesn't feel right. It almost makes me more sad to listen to it.  Ok, moving on....time for some pictures...

2011 was an absolutely wonderful year for my family.  As I've said before, we've hit a magical, golden era in the lives of our four young kiddos, where life is just so good.  So good.  If Danny and I had only known how good it would be so soon, we probably wouldn't have felt so sorry for ourselves when the twins were born, so helpless and pre-mature and the girls were so young, too boot.  We felt so in over our heads in 2008, 2009, and into 2010, it's crazy to think about it now.  Maybe God had to take us down that difficult and seemingly endless, sleepless, painful path to come out so high in the end.  I praise God for giving us our children so quickly.  I never would have imagined I would have four kids in three years, after only being married for five years, but that is what God gave me, and I will be eternally grateful for His infinite wisdom and gifts.  

Anyway!  Whooo...moving on.  I would like to leave with you a handful of photos from our family portrait session from last month.  May God bless you this year!